CHINESE BALLROOM

Chinese Ballroom wishes you...

2012-01-22T20:43:00.001-08:00

A Happy Chinese New Year!!

This goes out to all of our Twitter followers who think we are some sort of Chinese Ballroom Dance Troupe, this is totally us. (copyright Heineken 2011)

Which is your favorite?

2011-12-05T18:27:00.000-08:00

2011-11-30T07:10:00.000-08:00

Medical assistance will be at hand for injury due to excessive laughter.*

Doors 8:30, Show 9:00. 414 Mason Suite 406.

*Medical assistance includes FREE WINE and aid from someone with an expired CPR card.

Improv!!!

2011-11-15T23:28:00.001-08:00

Bring back the blog!!

2011-11-15T23:27:00.000-08:00

Back by popular demand: ...funny shit:

... I think this is appropriate.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

2011-11-13T13:07:00.000-08:00

We are so grateful for all the new "ballers" we met last night at our show. Welcome to the club! Look out for our poster for the December 3rd show. Hope to see you all there!

As a treat here is (according to Meg O's friend) that one youtube video of a fat guy singing. Enjoy!

Show Tonight!

2011-11-12T12:30:00.003-08:00

Come one, come all to this evenings Chinese Ballroom Showcase! Two new CB members will energize our show, as will your presence! Doors at 8:30, Show at 9:00. And Free Wine!

@ 414 Mason St.
Suite 406
On Mason between Post and Geary

A Love Letter to Ray Bans

2011-08-24T10:59:00.000-07:00

Oh Ray Bans,

How I adore thee. Thou art the reason I continue to dress like a grandmother/ lesbian. My boxy vests and track shoes thank you. For without you we would not look hip, just homeless. My straw hat from Lands End would be lost on the greater public without you to let them know that it is cool to wear big hats. They aren't JUST for 60 year old divorcees with leathery skin. Oh Ray Bans, thank you for making Vampires look cool far before Twilight. You protected them from most certain death while letting us know that, yeah, they were pretty sexy. Ray Bans, I'll always remember how you sat so cooly on not-yet-crazy Tom Cruise's nose in Top Gun. Oh the things you must have seen, from volleyball with Val Kilmer to jumpin' on couches with Oprah. You should write a book. Hey if Bristol Palin can so can you. Can I call you RB? No? That's because you're too cool for nicknames. Ray Bans, without you Bob Dylan would just be another Jew from Minnesota. Okay, the only Jew from Minnesota. I digress. Without you Ray Bans, Michael Jackson would be just some other tranny, Ray Charles' blind eyes would have freaked us out, James Dean would be, well, hot. That guy would look good in an adult diaper, let's be honest. What I'm trying to say Ray Bans, is thank you for being you. A famous man once said that "the eyes are the window to the soul". Thanks for protecting mine. And if you could NOT protect Ke$ha's eyes that would be great. Judging from this photo, bitches' sight gots ta go! Girl don't you know you're no supposed to accentuate your FUPA?! Damn.

Your Loyal Follower,
Meg Hayes

Notice the track shoes.... Thanks again Ray Bans.

CHINESE BALLROOM IS LOOKING FOR A FEW GOOD IMPROVERS!

2011-07-26T10:53:00.000-07:00

You:
You love making people laugh, have a deep-rooted passion for comedy that borders on obsession, and could talk your way out of a North Korean internment camp using only your wit and a bevy of well executed character impressions. You're familiar with short AND long form improv, and you are comfortable on stage. You're dying to flex your comedic muscles and are desperate for a like-minded group of stylish, successful, and genuinely hilarious troupe of improv savants otherwise known as Chinese Ballroom.

Us:
We're Chinese Ballroom; an improv comedy team composed of 7 friends and USF alumni who have performed over 16 shows throughout the Bay Area. We are committed to challenging ourselves as performers by experimenting with multiple forms of short and long form improv, and are deeply interested in keeping our friendships rich! We regularly sell out 50+ seat venues, and are looking to expand our ranks and perform with even more tenacity and frequency to ever expanding crowds!

Requirements:
We generally practice for 2 - 3 hours one night a week here in the beautiful city of San Francisco. We perform on Friday or Saturday nights every 4 - 6 weeks. Periodic dinners and nights spent merrymaking over drinks are expected.

You are interested in joining Chinese Ballroom if you're yearning to be involved with a talented, enthusiastic, and occasionally frenzied team of friends, AND looking to grow as a comedic performer.

Check out youtube.com/chineseballroom for clips!

Chinese Ballroom Auditions:
Wednesday, August 10
8pm - 10pm
Phoenix Theater
414 Mason St # 601, San Francisco, CA

Beware of the Wrap-around Skirt!

2011-06-29T12:39:00.000-07:00

Girls, as summer is entering all of our lives, I have some advice that may be able to help you avoid embarrassing situations. Whilst wearing a wrap-around skirt, please be weary that if, say you are in a hurry and carrying lots of things, in, I don't know, perhaps a subway, in, why don't we say a foreign country, with, well incredibly attractive people, on a, you know completely packed platform, the skirt may come unhinged. This could, if you are really THAT unlucky, expose your hypothetical polka dot panties as you race to get to your train. If you play it cool, people may just think you are crazy and continue reading their Hola! magazines. If this is the case, slowing back into a pillar pretending that, actually that WASN'T your train that you were desperately running for. You were simply mistaken, and now you are just ADMIRING your beautiful and WELL-HINGED skirt. DO NOT make eye contact with anyone, ESPECIALLY the people behind you. Simply hop on the next train and try to hide your red cheeks behind very large glasses. I doesn't matter that the Metro is indoors, wear they anyway! Having said that, everyone enjoy your summer and remember this story when you are feeling embarrassed. Is your story REALLY this bad?

love,
MH

Hacking of Chinese Ballroom by....not Rep. Weiner!

2011-06-08T16:32:00.000-07:00

(although some might argue it's by a weiner of a different color)

Quien es, preguntais? ...

Jajajajaaaajajajajaaaaaaa!

-~~Meg Hayes~~ ¡Salòn de Baile Chino!

p.s. Go see the show Saturday to see further trickery by ... ¡Salòn de Baile Chino!

Truth Revealed: American Apparel Edition

2011-04-19T00:26:00.000-07:00

While perusing the online catalog for some new summer clothes, I came upon a particularly interesting section of online American Apparel...

MATERNITY!

That's right. Now all the knocked up girls with a taste for fashion can have their own bodysuit (aka, an XL). Girls with daddy issues that stay out of the sun and hide out in ill-lit basements can strap on a scarf that can both barely cover their baby bump along with their bosoms. Baby mamas can be ironic with their innocent ice dancing costumes shaped around their unborn fetus (probably named something like Bookcase). What joy!

Next up for American Apparel: Slutty Dogs

Oh wait...

Meghann's truth: If I buy a skirt from them tomorrow, don't judge me. Well, not too much :-)

Okay, this whole nightmare thing about upcoming improv shows is getting out of hand.

2011-04-04T08:22:00.000-07:00

Hi. Kate here.
If you're a loyal reader (.....cricket sounds?) you are familiar with my two previous posts about panic nightmares before an improv show, like the one that involved Vince ruining it for everyone, and the 6 hour disaster.
Well, it happened again.
In the dream, (read: awful, horrible nightmare), we were warming up for the show, and right before it, we switched up our lineup and inserted a game I wasn't comfortable with, and neither was anyone else. It was called "Teacher" and it involved teaching someone something (a NO NO in improv games! ABORT ABORT!) It went really badly, and by the time we were finished, the whole audience had up and left. LEFT!

WORST IMAGE EVER.
Then the whole team got in a fight about why this happened.
But the good part? IT TOTALLY WON'T HAPPEN BECAUSE THAT WAS A NIGHTMARE AND WE ARE REALLY REALLY FUNNY IN REAL LIFE!

SHOW
Saturday, 4/9
9pm, doors @ 8:30
$5
Phoenix Theatre Annex
NO TEACHING GAMES, I SWEARZ!

(Oh, and PS, I have panic dreams about every aspect of my life. For examps: my restaurant panic dreams involve scenarios like a party of 35 walking in 10 minutes before my shift's over and we've run out of plates, or I give the wrong table the wrong pizza and everyone hates me.)

A reminder, why Chinese Ballroom has grace

2011-04-02T11:43:00.000-07:00

Hello True Believers,

This is a reason why we take ballet classes as a team to perfect our form. This is an example of why we wear sensible, yet stylish shoes to our performances. And this is motivation to have lunch:

See you all next Saturday Ballers!

Ciao!
DB

Andy's Candy

2011-03-29T13:13:00.001-07:00

I eat a lot of candy. It's one of my many weaknesses. I don't know if it's the brightly colored boxes, the exciting brand names, or their location in the impulse buy section of nearly everything, but candy always finds a way onto my receipt and into my stomach, effectively ruining my appetite (sorry mom).

Other than the obvious taste-based experiences, candy brings new adventures into my life everyday. Some of them I share in my flickr set "Candy Adventures". It's a small set right now, but I'm sure it will grow at the same steady rate that my teeth seem to be falling out at. You can help too! Email your candy adventures to ChineseBallroom@GMail.com. Below is a little tale of a Jujyfruit that needed another Jujyfruit to learn a lesson about himself, enjoy!

Jujyfruits - A Coming of Age Story

Harold always felt a little different from the other Jujyfruits due to his mixed heritage.

That all changed the day he met Judy.

Stay sweet, sugar.
-Andy

Victoria Jackson....eat your heart out!

2011-03-24T13:32:00.000-07:00

Here's a little something to remind us that there are still cool non-crazies at SNL. Victoria Jackson, ugh I'm sad I ever thought you should've been featured more on snl. Bleck. Here's one of my favorite SNL gay character, enjoy!

Move it on out, girl!

2011-03-08T10:30:00.000-08:00

A remarkable lost interview!

show!

2011-03-03T12:11:00.001-08:00

Didn't know this could happen, but then again, you should never put anything past rednecks

2011-02-23T12:01:00.000-08:00

The Top Ten Musical Digital Shorts from SNL

2011-02-14T16:38:00.000-08:00

Hello Ballers! The team was having a discussion (read: argument) at practice the other night about the best SNL Musical Digital Shorts. So I've gone ahead and made my Top Ten List of best SNL Digital Shorts ever, which I'm sure will spur heated arguments in the comments (Andy). Also, I put 1% actual thought into this, so I know that will make everyone even more annoyed (Andy). Enjoy!

10. The Creep

This is number 10 because before I only came up with 9 digital shorts, and then I did a Hulu search and this apparently was the latest digital short, so I'm putting it at 10 to make the list an even number. Also, I don't like it much anyway. Also, I just started drinking wine.

9. Shy Ronnie

Catchy and funny and ALSO OMG WTF is a shy boy like Ronnie doing with Rhianna???!?!?!

8. I'm on a Boat

Hee-hee! I got my flippy floppies! I think I listened to this too much when it came out in early 2009 that it's over for me. Good while it lasted. Heehee, T-Pain.

7. Lazy Sunday

Yeah, yeah, it was the first real SNL Digital Short song AND the first video I ever saw on YouTube (true story) but the novelty has worn out just a bit, and the other ones just simply get better. And Andy Samberg just simply gets hotter.

6. Mother Lover

Really really really raunchy and funny. Good guest stars. Vince still has a mixed CD in his car with this song. Truth. By the way, I just poured myself another glass of wine.

5.I Just Had Sex

Doesn't matter, HAD SEX! Akon is sexy!! WINE!

4. Iran So Far

I love politically-based humor, and this one totally ZINGS Ahmadinejad (totes did that withouht wikipedia spell-checking. JK, WINE!)

3. Dick in a Box

This song put Digital Shorts on the map. I also like it because my parents thought it was funny, and dick jokes with the parents are always a good time. Also, Dad mentioned that one of his friends gave his dick as a present to his wife once.
.....MAN, I hope Dad was talking about an actual friend and not himself.

2. Natalie Raps

SHE IS A GENIUSssssss!!!! WATCHU NEED NATALIE, TO FUCK ALL NIGHT!

1. Jizzed in my Pants

I just simply love this. Although SIXTH SENSE SPOILER ALERT, if you haven't already seen the M. Night Shyamalan classic. (BTdubs, I was super close on the spelling of M. Night Shyamalan that time).

And that's it. Andy?

Green sweater vest + khaki pants =

2011-02-07T15:35:00.001-08:00

For all you Doug fans out there, I think this will brighten your day.

Krup You!

2011-02-04T10:08:00.000-08:00

Perfect timing considering I just started rehearsals with my students on a mash-up of West Side Story and The Music Man. Unfortunately, this song isn't in it...because I like my job.

Dave's YouTube Gem: Surprising Addiction Addition

2011-01-25T22:35:00.000-08:00

Of all the illicit substances and bizarre practices some people get involved with, this is by far the most unusual addiction I have ever seen, or heard of (courtesy of TLC):

Discussion topic of the week: what piece of furniture (in your home or otherwise) would you eat first?

¡Hola!

2011-01-25T12:37:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone! Here's an update from sunny Spain. The truth when it all hangs out...

Yo hablo espanol truth: My new way of learning Spanish is: watching telenovelas, soccer, and Bob Esponja. Guess which one is the most fruitful. So far all I know how to say is 'pelota'. And I know the names of tons of Spanish players. AND I've looked up youtube clips of them getting in fights and then kissing and making up. Unfortunately the audio is cut on most of these clips. I continue to watch, though. Just in case.

Cheap ass truth: So my parents got me a nice pair of boots while they were here visiting. I want to keep them in good shape and thought I should look for some shoe cleaner. I then remembered that the kids shine their shoes everyday before they go home. I jokingly told a girl to shine my shoes, and (gotta love kids) she did it. Today she walked up to me and just started shining my shoes without any prompting. Oops. I wonder what the child labor laws are like in Spain.

¿Como? truth: It seems that since I hang out with kids and women all day, that I can only understand well... women and children. Lately, whenever a man addresses me in Spanish, I can feel my brow wrinkle and my eyes squint to ask the question, "¿Como?". This will certainly put a damper on my dating when I will have to ask men to speak in higher tones so I can understand them better. I guess there's always the gays...

I miss you all!

ciao,
meg xoxo

Google Search Prediction Strikes Again

2011-01-17T09:00:00.001-08:00

I love Google's new search prediction system. You start typing in a word in the search box, like "When was..." (because I'm trying to find out when Ghostbusters 2 came out, for examps) and this is what Google thinks I want to search for, which is hilarious.

No, when was Jesus REALLY born.
Well, last night my boyfriend and I were trying to figure out if James Franco was gay. Plain and simple. Is he? He could be. Maybe he's just down with himself. Anyway, let's just search for it, I'm sure when we Google it, some blog will come up WELL HELLO SEARCH PREDICTION!

WE DIDN'T EVEN FINISH WITH THE WORD FRANCO AND GOOGLE ALREADY KNEW!!!!! Is James could have been the start of so many searches: Is James Taylor alive? Is James Earl Jones the voice of Mufasa? Is James Buchanan considered the worst president ever? (that's actually yes, I know that because I went to an elementary school in his name). But NO, Google went there!! Which means James Franco must ACTUALLY be gay!!

BTDubs, he's straight.
-Kate.

SF Sketchfest

2011-01-05T17:01:00.000-08:00

Well hello Ballers, it's been a while. We haven't talked in, what, a month or so? While I did drunk dial you a few times over the holidays, you wisely never answered. It's probably for the best we shouldn't go down that road again, there's always strings attached, no matter sweet lies you pour into my ear.

All that aside, I think we should give each other another chance. It's a new year and we can have a new beginning too! I also know the perfect place for us to go for our Born-Again first time (how does that sound religiously up-tight and a little dirty at the same time?): SF SKETCHFEST!

"What is SF Sketchfest?" you might be asking yourself, your brain not working as well as usual due to the shock that I would take you back after all these weeks.

While being your chance to get me back, SF Sketchfest is also your chance to see some of today's best comedians right here in lovely San Francisco. Since you haven't heard of SF Sketchfest, I've decided out of the goodness of my heart (your parents always liked that about me) to give you my SF Sketchfest preview. In the interest of saving you time (see, I care), I have broken the preview up into three sections: Top Picks, Hidden Gems, and Daily Recommendations. Top Picks will have just that, my top picks for the entire Sketchfest. Hidden Gems are my dark horse picks that might be funny or might totally suck. If you're feeling lucky, spin the wheel of fate with these guys. Lastly, Daily Recommendations will be my top pick for that day. Pretty easy to understand? Good (you always understood me so well).

SF Sketchfest 2011 Preview

Top Picks

-ASSSSCAT 1/13 8:00pm
Long form Improv based on a celebrity monologist's true stroies about a topic from the audience.

-Celebrity Autobiography 1/14 8:00pm & 1/15 5:00pm & 8:00pm
Famous funny people reading the Autobiographies of famous not-funny people.

-Whose Live Anyway? 1/29 7:00pm & 9:30pm
The live version of the popular Whose Line Is It Anyway tv show.

-Viva Variety Reunion 1/29 8:00pm & 10:30pm
A reunion of the characters from Comedy Central's variety show Viva Variety. Many will recognize them from the tv shows The State and Reno 911!

Now, I know my Top Picks may look like any night on Comedy Central, but this is a chance to see some of the greats live. Ryan Stiles, Greg Proops, Chip Esten, Jeff Davis, Thomas Lennon, Kerri Kenney-Silver, Michael Ian Black, Robert Ben Garant, Andrew Daly, Tim Meadows, Matt Besser, Ian Roberts, Matt Walsh, and Will Forte just to name a few! Get your butt to one of these shows and you will not be sorry!

Hidden Gems

-Porchlight, A Storytelling Series 1/14 8:00pm & 10:30pm
This is a cool local storytelling series I got to see a year or so ago. Local color always help brighten other's stories with personal memories.

-Gentlemen's Club With Bob Odenkirk 1/15 8:00pm
I like to think of Bob Odenkirk as the funniest guy everyone always forgets. Having been on The Ben Stiller Show, The Dennis Miller Show, and Mr. Show, Bob Odenkirk should be known in every comedy loving home in America. Won't you bring Mr Odenkirk into your loving home?

-Rifftrax Presents Night of the Shorts 1/20 9:30pm
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is responsible for a good chunk of the way I do comedy (or at least how I talk over movies). Get a new take on some instructional, PSA, nature, science and safety videos with some of your favorite funny people.

-Citizen Radio 1/22 3:00pm
Covering most of the stories you didn't hear about because they were avoided by the mainstream media, Citizen Radio has become "an important political radio show that balances humor and unreported news". Just ask Noam Chomsky, that's his quote.

Daily Recommendations

Day 1 - January 13th
ASSSSCAT - 8:00pm - Marines' Memorial Theatre

Day 2 - January 14th
Celebrity Autobiography - 8:00pm - Marines' Memorial Theatre
(*Shows also on 1/15*)

Day 3 - January 15th
Invite Them Up - 8:00pm - Cobb's Comedy Club

Day 4 - January 16th
Dave Hill Explosion - 7:00pm - Cobb's Comedy Club

Day 5 - January 17th
Ten Year Reunion Show - 8:00pm - The Eureka Theatre

Day 6 - January 19th
Kasper Hauser Time Machine - 8:00pm - The Eureka Theatre

Day 7 - January 20th
Mike Bribiglia: My Girlfriend's Boyfriend - 8:00pm - The Eureka Theatre
(*Shows also on 1/21 & 1/22*)

Day 8 - January 21st
WTF with Marc Maron - 8:00pm - Cobb's Comedy Club

Day 9 - January 22nd
This Is Not Happening Presents - 8:00pm - The Purple Onion
(*Show also on 1/21)

Day 10 - January 23rd
The Paul F. Tompkins Show - 7:00pm - Yoshi's SF

Day 11 - January 25th
Comedy Noir's Red, White and Wrong/Piano Fight - 8:00pm - The Eureka Theatre

Day 12 - January 26th
Michael Capozzola: "Regurgitated"/Science Comedian Brian Malow - 8:00pm - The Eureka Theatre

Day 13 - January 27th
Will Durst/Killing My Lobster - 8:00pm - The Eureka Theatre

Day 14 - January 28th
The Benson Interruption - 10:30pm - The Eureka Theatre
(*Show also on 1/30)

Day 15 - January 29th
Whose Live Anyway? - 7:00pm & 9:30pm - Marines' Memorial Theatre
-OR-
Viva Variety Reunion - 8:00pm & 10:30pm - The Eureka Theatre

Day 16 - January 30th
Sklarbro Country Podcast - 2:00pm - Cobb's Comedy Club

Day 17 - January 31st
Airplane! Tribute - 7:00pm - The Castro Theatre

Day 18 - February 1st
SF SKetchfest Comedy Writing Award - 7:00pm - The Castro Theatre

Day 19 - February 2nd
Murphy Brown Tribute - 8:00pm - The Castro Theatre

Day 20 - February 5th
Idol Worship: An Evening with Cloris Leachman - 8:30pm - The Castro Theatre

Well, there you have it, 20 days of comedy right here in our own backyard. 20 days for us to make up for all that lost time. And even if you do break my heart again, at least we will have had a few laughs.

-Andy

Happy New Year!

2011-01-04T23:14:00.000-08:00

I'm sure everyone is by now fully recovered from all champagne hangovers, saturated fats, and cleaned up/covered Cuban cigar burns from the sectional. It's a brand spanking new year!

We're taking the new year seriously here at Chinese Ballroom. It's a fresh start from the festering, what-just-happened, shit storm that was 2010. Some of us are working on better coordinating our scarfs with our outfits, some are working on getting more road 69-ing, some aren't taking any bullshit, and some of us are working on fighting for the recognition of single peoples. For myself, I am wholeheartedly embracing my new job, which FINALLY allows me to commute in the city...

Here's to an adventurous new year of comedy, right here in San Francisco!

Ballers, brace yourselves...you haven't seen nothin' yet!

Spectacular photo courtesy of the Tenderloin Geographic Society.

Ree-yoon-yun

2010-12-16T01:33:00.000-08:00

That's right folks,

I made a trip to SF to visit my lovely teammates. Please watch THIS video for a reinterpretation...

P.S. No Chinese families were harmed during the making of this film.
P.P.S. I actually have no way of knowing if anyone was harmed during the making of this film. Judging by the content, I'd say it was actually pretty likely.
P.P.P.S I swear I 'youtubed' 'crazy family reunion' and this was like the third thing to come up. I think it was fate.

Luuuuurrrrvvvvee,
Meg Hayes

Happy Hockey Holidays

2010-12-15T14:14:00.000-08:00

Hockey and performing; two of my favorite things together at last. And I'm not talking about diving to draw a penalty. Just check it out:

Happy Holidays from all of us at Chinese Ballroom!

||Vince

watch it.

2010-12-14T17:40:00.001-08:00

watch this too.

2010-12-14T16:57:00.001-08:00

Who says you can't work with animals?

2010-12-09T16:12:00.000-08:00

We're thinking something like this for our next CB show...but improvised.
||Vince

What Happens in Meg's Apartment...Goes Public!

2010-11-21T19:16:00.000-08:00

Chinese Ballroom met at my apartment this past Tuesday to discuss the show, and where we are going as a team:

Clearly, we came to a lot of conclusions and really grew as a team...

Love, Meg O

Chinese Ballroom Show this Saturday!

2010-11-12T11:41:00.000-08:00

Hey Friends,

I know you're all super excited about this weekend's Chinese Ballroom show this Saturday at 9 (doors at 8:30). Because Stagewerx is in "lower nob hill" (Sutter between Powell and Mason), and because I'm so excited I just want to get up the get down, I present to you, a pre-celebratory booty dance:

Booty Clap from Kirsten Lepore on Vimeo.

See you Saturday!

- db

TGIM! Halloween

2010-11-12T10:01:00.001-08:00

Halloween in Barcelona. From teaching my students about the holiday, to dragging my ass back into the school at 8am as the security guard ended his shift (embarrassing!), it was quite the weekend.

Halloween Rap Truth: "Halloween is fun, Halloween is cool. Hello pumpkin, hello ghost, hello witch, and hello cat." The rap my four year olds learned for Halloween, hahaha.

Improv Truth: The Brits and I played a story game on All Hallow's Eve and ended up creating a story about Elvis, Bob Marley, George Michael, Jesus, Michael Jackson, and a guy from our school meeting for a toke at a drum circle. I swear the game wasn't exits....

Spanish Truth: Halloween is the perfect night to walk around Barcelona and let EVERYONE know you are foreign. Hello cute Spanish couple have a romantic dinner, Hola! abuelito drinking your espresso. Pardon my zombie friends and I. We're just going to get fucked up until 8am, and then vomit all over your town. Don't mind us.

Barca Truth: Going to the beach at 5am, maaaaaaaybe not the safest thing to do. AND you can find Americans anywhere, even when you don't want to. "Hey club bitches that cut in line. I'm sooooo glad you are representing my country by being here. Go choke on your weave, and trip on your slutty nurse heels. No one knows what you are anyways!", says the girl in the dead fish costume.

Absynth Truth: I don't think I did it right. Kylie Minogue didn't even appear to me as a green fairy. Although I did see a demon on stilts AND a guy in an SF Giants jersey. Does that count?

Go see Chinese Ballroom this weeekend!!! New theatre, short games, and more. The short games of course are to make up for the absence of one short improv member, ahem :-)

CHINEEEEEEESE BALLROOM!

IFH Mondays

2010-11-08T12:34:00.000-08:00

I know I usually post on Thursday, but this had to be posted on a Monday.

Since you have nothing to do on Saturday, why don't you come to the Chinese Ballroom Show at Stage Werx at 533 Sutter St (between Powell St & Mason St). $3, doors at 8:30pm, show at 9:00pm, laughs until 11:00pm, drinks until dawn. Come out and have such a good time you'll have a reason to fucking hate Mondays!

-Andy

"No big deal, Mom, I got dinner." -This Dog

2010-11-07T22:49:00.000-08:00

Oh, hecks yes.

2010-10-27T15:36:00.000-07:00

Stand-Up Thursdays: The Monsters of Comedy

2010-10-21T18:29:00.000-07:00

In my attempt to change the format of my blog entry every week, I continue this week by telling you about a stand-up show I saw earlier this week, The Monsters of Comedy at Club Deluxe.

It was a 9:00pm show on a Monday, so I wasn't expecting much of a line. Club Deluxe itself is a cool venue, with the feel of a jazz and salsa club merged, but with no dancing or heroin. Murials of the early founding of the Bay Area and it's hole in the wall spot on Haight St make it a cool little venue that I think is a must see in the SF stand-up world. I showed up around 8:40 and was surprised to see the club nearly empty. The bar had about 10 or so people milling about and there were two couples sitting in the "theater" part of the club, but nobody else.

After 3 tall Bourbon and Sodas ($10, not bad) and 40 minutes of waiting (bad), the show finally got under way around 9:20 with a crowd of about 20 (7 or so of which were affiliated with the show). Not only did I get acts from the four stars of the tour, Ari Shaffir, Sam Tripoli, Jason Rouse and Chris Neth (what comedian doesn't have a website?), but they had a local opener named Big Al, a warm-up comedian who was actually pretty good (forgot his name though), and three local closers. While this plethora of comedians was nice to see, it did make some of the sets short, but with the small crowd it kept the energy high and the show moving. Vulgar comes to mind when describing this show, but hey, if you can't be a little vulgar in San Fran, then were can you be?

All the head liners had good polished sets, but my stand up stand outs were Ari Shaffir and Sam Tripoli. Their bits were funny, they had great improv and banter with the crowd, and both seemed really comfortable on stage. I'd recomend seeing either of them if you have a chance, or go see The Monsters of Comedy show and see them both for the price of one! Check out their clips below for a sneak peek into the Monster Vault (Ari has more hair now and, therefore, looks funnier).

Ari Shaffir

Sam Tripoli

-Andy

Why Tuesdays Suck: Going to the Gym

2010-10-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

Every Tuesday morning, before the sun has graced the city with it's presence, I go to the gym. I hop on the bus, where everyone else on the bus is either going to the same gym as me (twilight zone theme plays here) or going to some Asian Market that no one but these four people on the 2 Clement know about. There are some things I like about the gym, like: I feel good afterwards, I have more energy during the day, and if all goes right, my butt will stop looking like it belongs on J. Lo.

But, there are somethings that just SUCK about the gym...

Like, making these faces:

And instead of working out next to him:

You work out next to him

But mainly, the reasons why gyms suck so bad...is this bitch

Why is she at the gym? Was she not held enough as a baby? Is she revenge working-out after a bad break up? Is she living a lie...is she actually brunette? No, I think she likes watching the chubsters on their treadmills breaking a sweat after .1 mile. I think she gets off on sweat marks in embarrassing places, like between the boobs and above the butt crack...I think this woman is sick. And I bet she can't hold her liquor like I can.

Love, MegO

Nope, Google. This time you're wrong.

2010-10-14T19:20:00.001-07:00

I was trying to translate "itch" to Spanish. Like, AN itch. The noun. Anyway, so I go, hey Google, I needs yo' help. "Translate itch to Spanish" plz. And Google's like, um, you probably meant this. (Click the image)

NO, Google. I did NOT mean to translate the B-WORD. How DARE YOU think I would go to the INTERNET for dirty word look-ups? I was honestly and genuinely looking up ITCH, thankyouverymuch!
So you're wrong! For once. Probably just this time. I forgive you. See you tomorrow.
-Kate.

Spotted at a bar in Minneapolis....

2010-10-10T22:25:00.000-07:00

....Mark you calendars, it looks like Chinese Ballroom's got somethin' to do on the 26th.

(Click to enlarge)

Another Reason to Love SF: Killing My Lobster + Artisan Coffee

2010-10-10T17:26:00.000-07:00

The SF-based geniuses over at Killing My Lobster have artfully documented the 2010 San Francisco Coffee Wars:

Yet Another Reason to Love SF.

TGIM! Update

2010-10-08T12:45:00.000-07:00

Hello all!! Here's an update of the last few weeks here in Spain...

Spanish Comprehension truth: Today I asked if the cook had any 'jueves'. That's right. I asked if I could eat Thursdays. Sorry Andy, I just ate Stand-up Thursdays with some chunky tomato sauce and a side of tuna salad. It was pretty good, I think I'm gonna have the leftovers for breakfast tomorrow.

Kiddie Truth: I have found that I can get around knowing Spanish with just three facial expressions to anything a kid tells me...

Expression 1 (Amazement): Woooooww that is sooo impressive!! I mean Amelia Earhart was cool and everything but you? That picture of a tree is just uncanny!
Expression 2 (Conflict Resolution):
He did what to you?! That's awful! Oh I'll 'talk' to him alright.
You did what to him?! How could you! That was his bucket!
Apologize. Go play.
Expression 3: I have no f(*king idea what you're saying so I'm just gonna nod and say Aaaahhhhhhhhhh like I get what you're saying. But I really don't.

Gay truth: I miss gays! We went to the beach and the gay section was right next to us and I longed to be a fruit fly again! Everytime I see a boy choose a pink crayon over a blue one I swear my heart starts singing Weather Girls. Everytime I see a man with frosted tips I think, "N'SYNC hasn't been in for years, you must be gay!" And then I think, "Gurl why the hell do you have frosted tips?!"

Real Truth: I really love it here and want to move to Barcelona and get a real teaching job and get a Spanish boyfriend who likes Hitchcock movies and can teach me Spanish and Catalan (just for the hell of it) and take me to Park Guell where I can read and he can write and we can just be.

Truth of someone who's been reading Eat, Pray, Love and watching too much How I Met Your Mother: See Real Truth

Soooooo as you can see nothing much has changed. I'm still a gay-loving, Spanish flubbing, overly expressive, hopeless romantic. Some things have changed, but some of course will always stay the same :-)

Time has run out!

2010-10-07T18:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, it's late in the day, I'm still going to be at work for another few hours, and I have to get up early to go to a straight wedding (I can't believed they legalized it with all the divorce rate figures). What this means for you, our loyal fan(s), is that I have not properly researched and explored the full comedic stylings of this week's local stand-up acts.

What I can tell you is that Kristen Schaal will be at Cobb's Comedy Club Oct 7th-9th and Jimmy Dore at Punchline SF Oct 6th-9th. You probably know Kristen Schaal from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and Flight of the Conchords and there's a slight chance you know Jimmy Dore from The Marijuana Logues. They're both pretty funny, Schaal plays the innocent card while Jimmy plays the pot card (literally, he has a prescription).

So, instead of giving you the tale of the tape for these two comedians, I thought I would just show you the last 3 videos posted on my facebook wall, enjoy!

-Andy

Nico's Lazy Sunday (Busy Edition)

2010-10-04T21:42:00.000-07:00

You all may have been wondering where I have been for the last couple of weeks. I'd like to apologize now to my fan(s) for worrying about where I was. Below is a montage that best summarizes my brief recess from the blog.

Nico's Indian Summer in SF

Another Reason to Love SF

2010-10-01T13:35:00.001-07:00

Yet another reason to love the Mission, and spontaneously quirky San Francisco:

as posted by Uptown Almanac.

Stand-Up Thursdays: Greg Giraldo

2010-09-30T14:12:00.001-07:00

I started writing this week's post about comedians Tom Green and Laurie Kilmartin (who are appearing this weekend at Cobb's Comedy Club and Punchline respectively). That was until the comedy world was struck a savage blow by the death of one of their own: Greg Giraldo.

Giraldo (December 10, 1965 – September 29, 2010) died in a New Brunswick, NJ, hospital a few days after a prescription drug overdose. Many people know Bronx-born, Queens-raised Greg Giraldo from the recent Comedy Central Roasts of such stars like David Hasselhoff, Flavor Flav, Bob Saget, & William Shatner. He was one of the great insult comics, bringing up your recent divorce and insulting your ethnic background, but still making you laugh. Greg also was a regular on shows like Tough Crowd with Colin Quin, Lewis Black’s Root of All Evil, and NBC's Last Comic Standing . Greg was in his element in a dimly lit comedy club, dealing with a heckler just as much as when he took the stage for any of his several Comedy Centeral stand-up specials. His stand-up was timeless and topical, polished but gritty, vulgar yet smart (and I don't mean dick jokes said in an English accent). Kate Ward described Giraldo's style on Entertainment Weekly's website with better words than I am capable of:

"However unprofessional and un-PC the comedian’s rants might have been (let’s just say he’s managed to work Anne Frank into an insult or two), the comedian was the figure of professionalism. He was committed to his craft, methodically delivering punchlines while continually staying relevant in the ever-changing culture of comedy, never once sacrificing his trademark acerbic style. (Of course, that’s exactly the kind of dedication you’d expect from a former lawyer and Harvard Law graduate.) Sometimes, while watching him on-stage, it seemed as though he didn’t even have to try to be hilarious."

In closing, I'd like to leave you with a few of my favorite Giraldo routines. Greg Giraldo, you will be missed.

-Andy

Man, If I had a nickel for everytime I wondered what a wallaby taking his first wallaby hop looked like.......

2010-09-30T13:52:00.000-07:00

Oprah's going to Australia

2010-09-30T00:38:00.000-07:00

After all, it really is her 25th season...

Another Elston-Related Post.

2010-09-27T18:00:00.000-07:00

You may remember a previous post where I perfectly illustrated, in only a couple of words, my family. Well, I'm totally ahead of the game on any movie exec that eventually decides to make a movie about us (or Lifetime Original Mini-Series, I'm okay with that too--we can pretend there was a teenage pregnancy or bone marrow transplant!) and I have generously already picked out the cast that will play us. You're welcome, Miramax.

My father will be played by Steve Martin.

My mother will be played by Liza Minnelli.

Aaaaand my sister by this young talent.

Oh, and me. Obvis.

Stand-up Thursdays: Maz Jobrani vs Big Jay Oakerson

2010-09-23T22:49:00.000-07:00

Anthony J. D'Angelo said "Don't fear change - embrace it." Following his example, I have change Stand-up Thursdays, but just a little. No more random, dimly lit, cocktail soaked stand-up bits I can half remembered from this club or that specail. No sir, I have decided to give you something you might (and should) actually use: a look at some bits from comedians coming to San Franciscoin the near future.

San Francisco has lots of great comedy clubs with big and small names alike. Cobb's Comedy Club, Punchline, The Purple Onion, and SF Comedy College are just a few of many venues you can regularly see stand-up in San Franciso, with many other theaters featuring stand-up nights and similar events. The SF Comedy Competition is even having a night at the theater I work for at the JCCSF (click here for tickets). Stand-up tickets tend to be less expensive (goldstar.com usually has cheap or free tickets) than your average live-performance tickets, even with the two drink minimum. Thanks to San Francisco's amazing mass transit system, you can throughly enjoy those two drinks (and possibly a few more) and still make it home safe. Stand-up is great for a date, going out with friends, bachelorette parties, bar mitzvahs, or baptisms (sometimes the club owners get made about the water, so be sure to clear baptisms before purchasing your tickets). Anyway you slice it, stand-up is awesome and San Francisco couldn't make it more accesable, so get out there and see some comedians like Maz Jobrani at Cobb's Sept 23rd-26th and Big Jay Oakerson at Punchline Sept 22nd-25th.

Maz Jobrani

Big Jay Oakerson

While both are funny, most of Maz Jobrani's material seems to relate to Iran and the Middle East and Big Jay tends to sick with being a little dirty, a little vulgar, and basically a dirtball. Since I am not Iranian and am a total dirtball, my gut tells me to go to Big Jay Oakerson's show if I had to pick just one comic to see this week. But there's no reason not see both, enjoy the bountiful cornucopia that is San Francisco's Stand-up Scene, you're not getting any younger.

-Andy

No other way to describe it...

2010-09-22T10:11:00.000-07:00

As the very talented comedian Nick Swardson so eloquently puts it, some stuff is just plain gay. How else are you supposed to describe a fanny pack?

Take this realization from last night's Chinese Ballroom Practice...

If you're late because you had a rainbow cupcake fight...you might be a gay.

~~Have a great Hump Day~~
||Vince

More on superheros...

2010-09-21T23:03:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, a few weeks ago I posted a charmingly little study on lame ass superheros.

In honor of this post, and my love of superheros, I wanted to share these images I discovered last week courtesy of collegehumor.com:

Happy Wednesday true believers!

Why Tuesday's Suck: Hiatuses

2010-09-21T12:06:00.001-07:00

Yes, that is the plural of hiatus- I googled it.

Working in an office is new for me, and I find surprises around every corner. They are not fun surprises. Not like a birthday surprise, or finding five dollars in your pocket surprise. They're like: oh, hey, you stepped in dog crap.

So, I took a hiatus from just about everything. I went to Burning Man and did some soul searching. I stopped writing this super time-consuming blog (getting back those 20 minutes really did something for me) and you know what I found out?

Hiatuses are great, until you get back, and there are stacks of papers all over your desk, and assignments with big red ASAP's written all over them, and dog poop on your shoe. So you know what got me through my hiatus? Youtube.

We've all been there

*This post brought to you by Actimel*

TGIM! For British Eyes Only!

2010-09-18T12:21:00.000-07:00

This blog is dedicated to my English roommates here in Spain. They have been patient with my odd Americanisms and have opened my eyes to many UK truths...

Arrested Development truth: If you don't understand the reference made in the title of this blog, you should!

Second Arrested Development truth: Their words not mine.... (okay its like the only dvd I brought)

Slang Truth: I will give you a million dollars if you can tell me what the f*&k chock-a-block is. Seriously. And bellend?! These are such crazy slang terms I can't even translate them into English, er, American, whatever! Apparently I'm learning three languages here: Castillian, Catalan, and whatever the hell these lasses are talkin' ;-)

Second Slang Truth: Get ready for me to sound right stupid when I get back. I'll be all talkin bout my rubbish landlord in my right shit flat. 'We don't even have a proper lift!'

I'll have to live in the Mission, seeing as those residents will be the only ones who will understand me...

American Truth: I think I'm rubbing off on them too. I could've sworn one of them said "dude" the other day. It was so sweet, baby's first word!

Drinking Truth: These broads can drink. They took me to three bars in one night...one night! I know I'm supposed to live up to such American stereotypes as 'Animal House' or that one episode of Friends where Rachel gets really messed up on white wine. I mean we had George Bush as a President! And Bill Clinton! And....you know I'm just gonna stop there. Many of our American Presidents were classic binge drinkers, and this year, I will just have to be more patriotic. I salute you Great Lakes as I polish off this Estrella. I sing your praises Pacific Ocean as I chug this Irish Car Bomb. And I pretend you aren't there Deep South, as I regret that last Margarita. 'Oh say can you see'....that drunk American? That drunk American, my friends, will be me.

Stand-Up Thursdays: Yes!

2010-09-16T23:22:00.001-07:00

Hello Ballers! Sorry about the long break, my body returned from my first Burning Man a few weeks ago, but it has taken this long for my mind to work its way back from Black Rock City.

I experienced a lot of things out in the Nevada desert and told myself I would embrace as much as I possibly could while still avoiding major trouble (I've always been a fan of moderate and minor trouble). While this worked to my advantage most of the time, let's just say i might have been a slight bit too trusting in few cases. If you want the full story, I'll tell you at next year's Burning Man: Rights of Passage (pretty cool theme in my humble opinion).

But I didn't tell you that story because I have become one of those Burning Man people that can talk about nothing else and yes, I do realize I have said Burning Man four times already. I went to Burning Man, it changed my life, nobody cares. Believe me, I've heard it before and even thought of making shirts. I told you that story so I could play the clip below and have it have some relevance to well, anything I guess.

Much like myself at Burning Man (sixth time it has been said), in Yes Man Jim Carrey plays Carl who has to say yes to everything. I know I'm a sucker for Jim Carrey (same Birthday as Andy Kaufman and me), but I think anyone can enjoy this scene. "She's never gonna go to a ball."

-Andy

TGIM! Week 1

2010-09-10T05:08:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone from Spain! It's only been a week, but I already have much to report. From my 15 hours traveling by air to my 9 days living and working at school, many truths were revealed.

German truth: This icon, indicating passport checks at the Frankfurt Airport looks all too much like the SS. Seriously Germany, who do you think you are Arizona? Or you, 70 years ago?

Dos Besos Truth: With all these double kisses I am preparing myself for an accidental lesbian experience. My teeth are always brushed and my Lowe's card is always in my pocket.

Kiddie/Cultural truth: Each day, my students perform an insane ritual where they buffer their shoes, comb their hair, and spray cologne on themselves. Mind you, they're 3. I'm convinced one of the boys has permanently blinded himself from cologne in the eye, but hey, he smells good.

Guapo Truth: Dayummmmm, even if a guy is ugly in Spain he's attractive. I wonder if it has to do with the time difference?

Castillian Truth: Never say "Gracias" here with food in your mouth. It will not be received well.

Verdad de Español: Este es mi practicando mi Español. "Puedo tener dos cervezas por favor?". Kate, is that right?

I miss you all loads and will try my best to keep you updated on my time here. I should have another blog up soon.

Ciao!

Meg Hayes

Me and my panic dreams.

2010-09-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

Kate here. Heyo.

You may remember the last Chinese Ballroom dream I had where Vince sabotaged a show. Well, I guess this a regular thing now, cause I just woke up from another Chinese Ballroom nightmare.

We were performing in front of a huge crowd. We were a hit. But little by little, as I looked into the audience, people were trickling out and the others were not paying attention. Suddenly I looked down at my watch and it was 11:00pm and we had started the show at 5. OMG, this show has been going on for 6 hours?!?!?! How come no one caught this??? This is a disaster!!!!

So we ended (finally) the show with the game "Actor's Worst Nightmare" but the two performers (who in real life aren't Chinese Ballroom members but are people in my life and if I see them on the street I'm gonna deck 'em for ruining the show) totally messed up the game and the audience boo'ed.

Eeeesh.

Dave's Manic Monday: Superheros

2010-09-06T22:58:00.000-07:00

Hello true believers!

It's been a hectic, fun couple weeks, full of goodbyes, adventures, and long nights. All of this excitement and the repeat previews of Indian Summer have reminded me of the summers of my childhood. In honor of my childhood, and a classic improv game, I'd like to spend a few minutes reflecting on superheros. Much of my imagination during my childhood and into my adult life has been occupied by the mythical worlds of superheros. There are so many great superheros out there, whose powers and stories fulfill our greatest fantasies and deepest desires. However, for every multi-dimensional super-character or surprisingly brilliant, yet unconventional superpower there are scores of unfortunate imitators. These characters exist as afterthoughts and mere shadows of their fabled brethren; perhaps the hungover brain farts of possibly overworked writers.

Here are a few of the most memorable, unfortunate less-than-superheroes from my childhood:

Super Friend's Wonder Twins (DC)
I remember the Wonder Twins (real names Zan and Jayna) appearing on Cartoon Network re-runs of the Super Friends cartoon. They have the impressive ability to change their bodies into whatever element or shape they desired. This could be a truly awesome power if they didn't almost always choose to do really lame ass shit with this gift. Zan can transform into any state of water, and potentially other materials or elements, but usually chose to become a bucket of water or sheet of ice...perfect for hydrating or awkwardly tripping an enemy. To make matters better, his sister Jayna has the super-rad ability to shapeshift into any animal she can name, which she usually used to back-up Zan's super-square incarnation; like transforming into a giant eagle or gorilla...so she could drop/throw aforementioned bucket of water onto a villain. To top it all off, when using their powers they always declared: "Wonder Twin powers activate...form/shape of...," completely losing the element of surprise. Keep it up Wonder Twins, there are dehydrated, partially deaf villains out there that must be stopped!

Tuxedo Mask (Sailor Moon)
There is a lot that could be written about the questionable superpowers witnessed in the Sailer Moon mythology, not to mention the intense level of gayness exercised by my prepubescent interest in this anime television show. In the pantheon of superheroes that have occupied my thoughts over the years, few seem as uninteresting and flat-out dumbfounding as Tuxedo Mask. Tuxedo Mask had the unenviable ability to throw a seemingly endless supply of mature, long-stemmed red roses at adversaries as needed. He always showed up at the last minute when the situation seem dire for Sailor Moon and the girls, always dressed in crisp formal wear, flowing cape, cane, white eye mask and all. Wait...he has an endless supply of well-pruned flowers, arrives to the battle fashionably late after the girls have done most of the work, clad in pressed evening wear...OMG, how could I not have seen this before?!? Tuxedo Mask is the least closeted superhero in the anime world! I change my mind. Tuxedo, you stay fabulous! You can whisper your sweet nothings to me anytime you want...oh, and who does your dry cleaning?

Ma-ti (Captain Planet and the Planeteers)
I love the idea of creating programming for kids and young adults with themes of environmentalism and eco-awareness, and overall, I thought Captain Planet was pretty successful. I liked the show as a kid, although even then I craved more multidimensional obstacles and more complex story lines. The show features 5 kids from different cultures all over the world who are chosen to protect the planet from the forces of pollution and corporate greed by wielding the elements of the earth, which, if necessary, can be combined to manifest Captain Planet, a granola version of Superman with a bad outfit and an atrocious green mullet. Each 'planeteer' is given a ring that gives them the power of earth, air, fire, and water, oh, and...heart. That's right, Ma-ti is from an indigenous South American indian tribe and has the power of sympathy, in addition to being empathetic/communicative with animals. Anyone who has ever been throw a bad break-up or employed the services of Cesar Milan can appreciate the significance of these gifts, but I just don't think it needed to be included in this team. The other 'planeteers' could have handled the empathy and animal situation based on their diverse backgrounds and abilities. Think of it this way, in the event of another major oil spill, Ma-Ti is not going to be one of the first superheros we're going to call. He'll probably be brought in later as a consultant, but Aquaman or that Asian girl have already done all the heavy lifting. But hey, thanks for the hug Ma-Ti!

Feel free to comment and add any of your favorite worst superheros!

In case you missed it

2010-08-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

Some highlights from our show can be seen on our YouTube page!

Here's a taste!

In honor of Meg Hayes leaving, I would like us all to remember her with this picture

2010-08-30T09:55:00.001-07:00

....taken years ago at a "Stereotypical Party" where she went as Typical White Trash.

BUEN VIAJE, MEG!!!! We will miss you, and Chinese Ballroom will not be the same without sporadic appearances from Sissy Sampson, the nerdy girl with a gnarly lisp.
WE LOVE YOU!

Nico's Lazy Sunday (Love Edition)

2010-08-29T13:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Meggo,

Today is our going away party for you and a rush of emotions carried me to write this sincere blog post. Little lady, we've known each other for almost 7 years now and the thought of you leaving is tear worthy, like watching Precious for the first time. Though I know what you're doing is the best for you and that you will become a much stronger and funnier person, but it doesn't making saying goodbye to you any easier. However the one thing i'm most secure about is that when you return our friendship will be colored even more vibrantly. Meg Hayes I love you terrifically and I hope you can hear me sing your praises from across the ocean. God speed little Lottie! ...oh and find us boyfriends.

p.s
Shave your pits before you leave.

xoxo,
nico

TGIM!: Chinese Ballroom

2010-08-28T09:48:00.000-07:00

This post will be my last in the States for quite awhile. This time next week I will be up to my neck in Spanish penis (see previous post, Barcelona). I will try my best to keep up the posting once a week and check in with you all. I just wanted to take this time to reveal some truths about the team I have grown to love. Seriously "grown" to love. It was hard at first.

Chinese Ballroom truth: A team of miscreants, misfits, and Vince, we have pushed, scratched, and clawed our way to the top of the bottom. We work hard, fight hard, play hard, and die hard (and cry hard, but only at the end of the month).

Dave's Truth: If Dave were an inanimate object he would definitely be a turquoise paint strip. He is bright, lively, sassy, and hard to spell(?). He is also the hardest working person I know. Not only can he organize artists better than Tim Gunn, he's also really good at fake crying. Like he works hard at it. You can see it in his face.

Nico's Truth: He's our only ethnic guy, but he's so much more. He smokes, wears tight clothes, and judges us all on a daily basis. He conspicuously creates scenes where we are his servant and he once wrote a blog post about cocktails. That's right he's a hipster people. And he deserves rights too!

Kate's Truth: One of my inspirations for going abroad. She shares my interest in soccer, beer, and latin boys. Wingwoman I'm gonna miss you!

Andy's Truth: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2DSPUbMFgFQ&NR=1 I'll miss ya buddy :-)

Vince's Truth: The big brother I never had, plain and simple. We're both short, have lots of chest hair, and can name more musical theatre characters than most. I mean, its uncanny.

Meg O's Truth: Meg!! You have brought such a positive light and energy to this team that is so appreciated!! And our sex factor went up like 50 points when you joined. I mean seriously, we were a seedy crew. Now we shower some, and don't come to practice in stained pj's anymore.

Tough Guy Movie Ending Truth: Sianara Muther F$%^ers!

Weepy Nicholas Sparks Ending: AHhhhhhuuuuuuhhhhh, Uhhhahhhuuuuudsudflenjfisuuuuuuu!

Real/Governator Truth: "I'll be back"

Spice Girl's truth: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eO00WUeATFM

Meghann's Truth: I have been so proud of Chinese Ballroom's growth over the past few years. This is the most dedicated group of people I know, and I am so excited to return next summer and witness the great accomplishments that this team will have made.

Chineeeeese Ballroom!

Stand-Up Thursdays: Missing Stand-Up Thursday!

2010-08-27T13:45:00.000-07:00

There was no Stand-Up Thursday yesterday! What's the deal with that? I waited around all day and got nothing. Nadda. Zip. Ziltch. Zero. Goose Eggs. The opposite of everything.

But does anyone do anything about it? No. They just let the missing Stand-Up Thursday stay missing. It could be cold and alone, starving in a gutter, dancing for spare change with his pants around his ankles singing "Old Grey Mare, she ain't what she used to be...", but we'll never know.

Mitch Hedberg might be the only one brave enough to do something about the missing Stand-up Thursday, may he rest in peace.

Mitch Hedberg - The Dufresnes - watch more funny videos

-Looking for Andy

Nico's Lazy Sunday (Drugs edition)

2010-08-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

It dawned on me that drugs are a major problem here in America. It came to my attention when last Friday I was ditched by a date to drop acid. Like, what a lame excuse! Could you have thought of something better to say? LSD was so 20 years ago my friend and who knows what sorts of other things you're popping. I, being mature and above the situation, will not write a tirade against your effortless campaign for stupidity and drug abuse, rather I stringed a video essay on your behalf.

kisses,
Nico

TGIM!: SHOW!

2010-08-20T19:11:00.001-07:00

Our show is this weekend, so I only have one thing to say. Come!! And then pull up your pants, get on the 38, walk a few shady blocks and you're there!

Parent's Truth: Nico and my parents (that's separate parents, despite the similarities we're not related) are coming to the show. This will be interesting for many reasons.
Reason 1: Free wine. (This could also be Problem 1 depending on how the night goes)
Reason 2: Although Chinese Ballroom prides itself on staying away from raunchy material, if Reason 1 becomes Problem 1, my dad may be throwing out some questionable suggestions.
Reason 3: Spotlight. Nico and I enjoy our time in the limelight, and I swear to God if our parents upstage us, say, during Dummies, I will smash a wine bottle!

Phoenix Truth: With Ruby Sky next store and Comedy College upstairs, our show has the douche built in.

Meghann's Truth: I will miss improv so much in Spain, I may try to do some games there. Only problem is I don't speak Spanish, so I'm gonna have to get realllly good at miming. Maybe I'll attempt some at the show.

Opener's Truth: We have two amazing ladies opening for us. At least you'll get your moneys worth. I'm referring to their comedic talents, jeez :)

Ballas truth: Our trusty crew of fans have been with us for almost two years now, and there is always room for more!!

See ya'll at Phoenix Theatre Annex (4th floor), 414 Mason St.

8:30pm - Doors open/Wine reception
9:00pm - Show
$3.00 at the door

you know what you can get for $3?

2010-08-19T19:33:00.000-07:00

a hilarious show this Saturday!

Stand-Up Thursdays: Names

2010-08-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

What is in a name? Would a rose by any other name smell so sweet? A name is more than something people yell at you to get your attention. It shows a lot about who you are, where you came from, and where you're going. A nickname can deflate a hostile situation while hearing your full name screamed by your mother would elicit quite a different response.

The origins of names go back to the beginnings of language in general. Most names probably started as descriptions of the person, rather than just a collection of pretty sounds. There was probably some cross play in this regard, where the actions of people helped to reinforce the meanings of their names as much as the names described them. Early names were most likely very simple, with caveman equivalents of "Big" or "strong" or "brown". As time wore on and there were more people gathered in large groups, compound names become more and more useful in identifying specific individuals. As names would get reused, they would start to form a pool of common names for that particular culture. This led to Surnames or family names being added for further calirity. Surnames were based off many things, but the most common are usually related to the career of the family, their gods or martyrs, or traits viewed as favorable by their culture. Within the last century, hyphenated names are becoming more common place. Who knows what the future of names will bring?

But is the your name really that important? Or is it all in how its used? Rowan Atkinson (AKA Mr. Bean) shows us what you can do, no matter what the name may be.

-Andy

D-Bag Awareness

2010-08-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

Douchebags. They're everywhere; the club, the gym, the grocery store, work. But nowhere are they more prevalent than at the beach. This past weekend I spent a little bit of time in Newport, and when this particular douchebag was pointed out to me, I nearly fell off my bike. His Douchebag Modus Operandi? He was sitting on his car, surfboard and gear packed up, and as cars made their way through the crowded parking lot adjacent to the beach, he was SELLING his parking spot. Dude!! Congratulations, you found a great parking spot a few hours ago. You did your thing, now get the fuck out of there and let someone park who is actually looking for a nice relaxing day at the beach with their family. I feel the same way about douhebags that I feel about spiders. I know they're everywhere, but I don't want to see them. And when I DO see them, I want to squash them.
This about sums it up:

May you have a wonderful, douchebag-less week. See everyone this Saturday night at the Phoenix!
||Vince

Why Tuesdays Suck: Farts

2010-08-17T11:53:00.000-07:00

You know what I'm talking about.

I work in a small office, where one fart can cause a lot of damage, and only so many windows open widely. I'm not going to say I'm a victim here, but I am a lady, and will also not admit to past offenses.

What's the etiquette? Where do we draw the line? What is acceptable gas passage? And who can ever know whether this one or the next one will potentially make the office flammable?

This is a big reason why Tuesdays suck - more than any other day. (I wonder what people eat on Monday nights...)

Jesus?

Happy air to you and yours-
MegO

Dave's Manic Monday: The Armagaydon is at bay

2010-08-16T23:03:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, there has been a lot of hullabaloo surrounding gay marriage over the last couple weeks here in California. A federal judge ruled that Proposition 8 (a narrowly voter approved ballot measure banning gay marriage) was unconstitutional, and ordered that marriage licenses be issued to same-sex couples as early as this Wednesday. However, proponents of Proposition 8 were successful in their request to the Appeals court extending a stay until another court panel can hear that case in early December 2010.

Now, I'm all for hearing someone out and am frankly just tired of the entire conflict, it would be easier if the whole thing just blew over, and everything went back to the way it was before. We can live without equal recognition from the state and society, and have limited legal rights in many states. You have to admit that the defendants in this case, the supporters of Proposition 8 make some good arguments:

1.) Same-sex marriage would destroy the sacred union of marriage.
Making same-sex marriage legal would absolutely destroy the foundation of everything we as a society hold sacred. I mean, marriage has been around for a really long time, like forever. People take it really seriously. Although many celebrities get married and re-married a lot, and just over 40% of all American marriages end in divorce according to the NYTimes and potentially up to 50% according to the last census, I still think it's a really big deal, and something that should be taken seriously. Gay people just wouldn't get it. I mean, they can't even have kids. Speaking of...

2.) Children are best raised in a home with a loving, supporting mother AND father.
At the end of the day, gay and lesbian people are probably not as good at parenting as heterosexual couples because it's confusing which parent goes to work to make money for the family, and which is really good at cleaning, cooking, and decorating. Even if it is clear, it's probably not as good as two normal, er...straight parents. Despite the extensive studies that have proven that kids with same sex parents are as healthy as kids from other families, and kids from lesbian parents are actually more well-rounded and successful people overall. Whatever, I bet they said the same thing about crack babies in the 80's.

3.) Civil Unions are just as good as domestic partnerships.
This one really resonates with me, because supporters of gay marriage make such a big deal about the issue of 'calling our relationships something different than theirs.' Hello, it is different. It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, duh. Like, interracial marriage was illegal in some states until 1967. I'm not saying that I do not support this, that's crazy talk. Black and white people or latino and asian people should totally be able to get married, as long as they're man and woman. Otherwise, it's different...got it?

4.) If we let the gays marry, we might as well allow polygamists.
This one is a big deal too, because it just makes sense that if we let one radical minority get what they want, others will too. Although 11 sovereign countries across the globe have legalized same-sex marriage (including Argentina, the first in Latin America) and not yet legalized any form of polygamy, it's still too early to tell whether or not the polys are going to come along and start try to get married. I wouldn't put anything past some people.

Sure, a lot of straight couples in the US are likely to get divorced, and they can get married (even if they don't have kids) regardless of their race, or whether or not they actually love and respect one another. But it's just too much work to allow healthy gay couples to get married, despite their level of commitment to each other. Guys, change is hard. Just because giving people equal protection, rights, and recognition sounds good on paper, doesn't make it not scary...or the right thing to do. People have been getting married for a long time, and it's not okay to change that just because two adults love each other, okay?!?

I think Stephen Colbert summed it all up best in his hard-hitting analysis.

Nico's Lazy Sunday (Going Green Edition)

2010-08-15T14:16:00.000-07:00

I felt rather peckish and chinese food sounded wonderful. Tsing Tao restaurant was empty other than the two young clerks laughing hysterically at the TV and a rainbow of rude black girls eating pork. I ordered the sesame seed chicken lunch special with sweet and spicy soup. It came out in record speed which didn't surprise me because the kitchen sounded like an assembly line of chopping and Cantonese. Oh the Chinese, so industrious I thought.

Feeling sluggish after my meal, I walk home through a sea of church going patrons. The women and their hats were amazing. Left and right the colors were so brilliant. I turn my eye and I see a giant plastic banner in front of the Calvary Presbyterian reading "Step Up and Go Green for Jesus". What a lovely thought.

Having grown up a tepid Presbyterian, it made sense to me for the son of God to support the green movement. If you read the Bible carefully his teachings have historically been rooted in caring for mother nature. Turning water in to wine? My God Jesus, you invented recycling. There isn't a trace of a carbon footprint when you can walk on water either. Also, lets not forget I am talking about the holy dude who fed 5 thousand men with just five loaves of bread and two fish. Totes magotes JC! You're so good at sustainability! No wonder the church is pushing their congregation to "Step up and Go Green for Jesus!"

However, lets not get ahead of ourselves. Since the issues of environmental concern were first introduced and the casm in our ozone started expanding, Christians have led a crusade fighting against Global warming. What does this all mean? Could it be possible that the church is preaching contradictory ideas? ...Or being "hell-a" hypocritical?

I get home now, the fog is slowly creeping in and the wind is making my windows creak. The Chinese food has gone through my intestines and is now sitting uncomfortably in my bowels. Oh my God what should I do about my upset tummy? What would Jesus do? From what I learned today, he would want me to compost.

I'm lazy, so I just typed in LOL into a YouTube search to see what video would come up.

2010-08-14T23:04:00.001-07:00

And I found this.

Not bad for a half-assed YouTube search.
Also, I kind of want to know how it ended between them.

TGIM! Mazel tov!

2010-08-14T22:55:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the late post, I am at home for a dual Bar/Bat Mizvah. The day has been filled with new festivities for my Catholic family, from singing in Hebrew, to the Hava Nagila. The truth is, I have been looking forward to this moment since my uncle broke the glass under the huppa at my aunt and uncle's wedding. There was a lot riding on this night, and many truths were revealed that were unexpected:

Meghann's Truth: Enter Shikzah goddess. Hello boys, care to make your Jewish parents uncomfortable while you kushn the Gentile in the corner? I've got some Catholic guilt, and sarcasm to boot. I enjoy bagels and shmear, Elena Kagan, liberal politics, and I have a nasal problem. Hellloooooooo!!!!

Guuuurl Truth: The Rabbi was soooooo fine. But I thought it would be inappropriate to take a gawking photo of him with my Iphone during the ceremony.

Real Truth: The closest I got to any hot Jewish boys (besides ironic dancing) was when I sneezed and one said
'Gesundheit'. Oops, thats German. Nevermind.

Sad Truth: I was place at the F*(#ing kid's table. I had white wine at the kid's table. I got drunk at the kids table, while the cute Jewish boys were having grown up conversations about careers and politics. I spoke to soon, I did have a riveting conversation with a lovely forth grader about how long it takes to drive from Sacramento to San Francisco. "What is it an hour, two"? How the hell would she know she's 9!

Dance truth: Jewish boys break dancing. I haven't seen that much cross culture since Sammy Davis, Jr. Seriously boys, that prep school you go to and lamborghini you were promised? Not helping with your street cred. Keep taking those hip hop dancing lessons to boost your college apps. And stop hitting on me! I appreciate the sentiment, and I know there was some confusion with the kid's table and all but you're 15!

Jewish Truth: If you get invited to a B'nai Mitzvah, GO TO THE SYNAGOGUE, NOT JUST THE PARTY! It's tacky, and believe me, it will be remembered for all eternity.

Mom's Truth: "I thought Catholics were the only ones who sat and stood so much at mass". My sister's response, " Remember mom, we got it from them."

It was such a beautiful celebration, and perhaps the last time I will see my family for awhile. I wonder if I'll meet any cute Jews in Spain?

Stand-Up Thursdays: Vegas

2010-08-12T13:00:00.000-07:00

In a few months, a good friend of mine will be taking his first steps down a road we can't follow; marriage. In keeping with time honored traditions, several important duties have fallen on an other friend who was named as the best man. One of these duties wa planning the bachelor party. So, also in keeping with time honored traditions, he decided on Vegas as a good setting for our needs (his decision was based mostly on a stirring documentary called The Hangover).

Most men at bachelor parties in Vegas have one thing on their minds. No, it's not the plethora of shopping oppertunities, the world class cuisine or even the Broadway caliber shows. Yep, you geussed it. Most men at bachelor parties in Vegas think about Gambling. What did you think I was going to say? Excuse me? He is about to enter into a sacred bond, why would you even bring that up? Get your mind out of the gutter, you sicken me.

With that in mind, I thought I would give you my quick opinion about some of the more common games of chance to help you in case you're ever in Vegas, for whatever reason (no reason counts as a reason).

Black Jack:
Your best odds at actually winning, but don't think that just because you read a book on basic stratgey and card counting that you'll be clearing out the house. Unless you're Rain Man and keep a six deck count going in your head while acting nonchalant and ordering a drink, I wouldn't get my hopes up.

Slots:
I like them the same way I like something that sounds a lot like them: cheap, easy, and loose. I usually end up at the slot banks if I have lost all my money or am waiting for a connecting flight.

Poker:
Why go to Vegas to play poker when Lucky Chances is so close? Is it the increased talent of the professional poker players that work in Vegas? Is it the joy you get from watching new players completely mess up the flow of a gmae? Or is it the fact that you're tired of playing games of chance that you will statistically always lose at and want a game where skill is actually a factor? Probably the last one.

Craps:
No we're talking. Craps is a great game for beginers and verterans alike. There are hundreds of bets to be made, which keeps it exciting for the vets, but your bets never affect other people's, so everyone is usually more than happy to teach new comers (especially if they're on a hot streak or a beautiful woman). Find a cheap table, watch for a bit, and never walk away from the table when you're rolling (even if you're done gambling).

Roulette:
This is my bread and butter. I love roulette. It's fun to play, watch and even say. Roulette. Go ahead, say it. Roulette. Pretty good, right? I like roulette for a lot of the same reasons as craps; lots of bets but they don't affect anyone else's. Roulette also takes a little bit of time for each spin of the wheel, which means you can't burn though money as quickly as can at other games (note - unless you put in all on 00). Some of my most treasured memories from Las Vegas come from the $1 roulette table at the end of the strip.

Other Games:
Pi gao, three card poker, war and countless other games fall itno this category. They can be really fun, but only if you find your flavor. Most have lots of side bets and strange rules that play much more of a role than these hidden traps do in the more common games. Try them out, but don't sit down at a high stakes game until you feel really comfortable with your flavor of choice.

Video Anything:
Trust video poker. Finding the right machine can be hard, but they all list their payout and chances clearly and are very closely regualted. Do not trust video anything else. Not sure why I have this stigma, but video roulette belongs in the 6th circle of hell. I just don't trust a bouncing ball that isn't affected by gravity.

On Nick Swardson's new comedy special, Seriously, Who Farted?, he talks about a new game I can't wait to try.

-Andy

HEY, DON'T FORGET ABOUT OUR SHOW!

2010-08-10T19:21:00.001-07:00

SATURDAY, AUGUST 21ST
PHOENIX THEATRE ANNEX
414 MASON ST, 4TH FLOOR
SAN FRANCISCO, CA
DOOR AT 8:30PM, SHOW AT 9:00PM!

Why Tuesdays Suck: Global Warming

2010-08-10T12:16:00.000-07:00

Working in the Financial District of San Francisco, I see some pretty sketchy business, but nothing as bad as all the litter on the streets.

It can get pretty rough out there. I think this video could help a lot of irresponsible people learn about the dangers of littering, and the rewards of helping out Mother Earth.

Your garbage-conscious improv-er
MegO

Dave's Manic Monday: Summer, I remember thee fondly

2010-08-09T21:52:00.000-07:00

Every morning, and every evening I leave and return to my home wrapped up like a fresh cocoon. I wear a jacket on my back, a beanie or cap on my head, and a scarf around my neck almost every day. Some days, even the best coordinated combination cannot prevent the bleakness from sinking in. It's the second week of August, and already summer seems like a distant memory.

Every seasoned San Franciscan knows what they're getting into each summer. Summer in San Francisco is as unconventional and rebellious as the city itself. It's a general disregard for the natural order of the planet; a big, wild salsa dance with Big Blue and a big, fat middle finger to the Fisherman's Wharf tourists. However, maybe it's the weeks on end with nights below 60, maybe it's the necessity to wear multiple layers of clothing when outdoors while running errands, or perhaps it's that most of the world is experiencing a record-breaking heatwave, but something about this summer seems down-right un-American. You will rarely hear me soberly yearn for the dry, desolate Phoenix summers of my childhood, but every now and then, one of these nights, it would be nice to walk outside (in shorts...or at least a thin cardigan) to get ice cream after sunset, or even to attempt a picnic at the beach. It could be because I've been planning a trip to Central/South America in January and have been salivating over the lush beaches, but right now, in this moment, as I sit on my white shag rug, with a fluffy hoodie, and the heater on in my room, my resolve has cracked.

I know I always talk about how much I love layers and wool accessories, and how miserable the heat is almost everywhere without a beach and with bodies with active gym memberships, and the delight of a good Pimm's cup. But, this just doesn't feel right. There have been too few opportunities for me to burn my pasty appendages.

Don't fret though, like any good, seasoned San Franciscan, I remind myself to be patient. I know October is just around the corner.

Until then, enjoy a slice of Argentina.

Nico's Lazy Sunday (Taylor Swift Edition)

2010-08-09T18:36:00.000-07:00

In this convoluted messed-up world it's difficult to find solace, a place to rest my head. Yes there were major milestones that happened this past week, with the overturning of Proposition 8 and the induction of Elena Kagan to the supreme court, but there is still much ugly out there that needs to be resolved. In my 24 years of existence I have never seen a brighter beacon of hope that will quench our thirst for goodness. I'm talking about you Taylor Swift.

Allow me to be the first to state that we must adopt the notion of allowing this blonde haired cherub to be our new savior. I have full faith that she will ride her white horse and wave the banner of change! Taylor, please know you will have naysayers and enemies disguised as angels but do not fret! I know you will wipe the teardrops of my guitar and smite those evil demons. When you do slay the beast, I shall rejoice and dance because I will have no more room for tears, Taylor. On that glorious day, you belong to me!

Oh Taylor! Ever since I was a boy of fifteen , I have been waiting for someone to write a love story that will forever rid the world of pathos, from east to west. Taylor, please make haste for soon the day will rise and you shall vanquish. The evil of the world will just be a forgotten picture to burn. Taylor, when that day comes, I will write our song , and sing it on grassy green pastures. The gracious people will here this chant, and we shall make merriment and dare I say party in the U.S.A

An actual Elston family conversation.

2010-08-09T14:51:00.000-07:00

This happened awhile ago, but I would like to share this conversation that perfectly encapsulates my family.
We were speaking about puking after a night of drinking, as most of our family conversations usually end up being about.

Me: The last time I threw up from drinking was back in the dorms, and I haven't since.
My sister: The last time I threw up from drinking was on my 21st birthday, and I haven't since.
My dad: The last time I threw up from drinking was when I was 14, the first time I had a beer, and I haven't thrown up since.
(pause. Mom's turn. Mom?)
My mom: ....April.

TGIM!: My sisters...

2010-08-06T23:25:00.000-07:00

Today's entry will be dedicated to my lovely sisters. They came up to visit last week and ended up having to help me move out of and deep clean my apartment. They truly are wonderful, and no one quite knows them like I do. There are, of course, many sides to my sisters...

Meghann's Truth: My sisters are like mini-me's. They are soooo cute in the way they try to copy me. Keep tryin' girls ;-)

San Francisco Truth: My sister's are the biggest queens I have ever met. They have seen at least a dozen musicals in the past three years, they live and die Golden Girls, and truth be told they've got the hair for it. Seriously, these ladies could quote Will and Grace all day long, and top it off with a West Wing marathon ( you know, for the government-loving lesbians).

Katie's Truth: Her favorite singer is Josh Groban, she enjoys tap dancing, and she is soon to be the owner of a bracelet/key ring. She is Betty White in girl form.

Shannon's Truth: (thought bubble) I want to have two dads just so I can be closer to my character from Putnam County Spelling Bee...

Real Truth: You cross 'em and I'm gonna serve you a WHOOOLE bunch of this....

Andy's Truth: Never gonna happen!!!!!!!!

Words cannot express how much I love you both. Well, maybe this next picture can. Stay golden!

Stand-Up Thursdays: Pot

2010-08-05T13:17:00.000-07:00

Weed, Dope, Grass, ganja, giggle weed, Aunt Mary, Mary Jane, chronic, rego, wacky tobacky, bud, grass, pot, herb, trees, greens, dope, indo, killaz, Smoke, dank, diggety dank, kush, cannabis. Whatever you want to call it, Weed is everywhere, especially in states with more liberal social policies. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, 99.8% of 12th-graders have tried Pot, with about 25% regular smokers. With California's upcoming September ballot, Pot might become more of a daily fixture in our lives. But that's the [possible] future, what about the past?

Marijuana was first brought to the Americas by Christopher Colombus, but not for medicinal, spiritual, or recrational use, but in the textile form of Hemp. Hemp had, and still has, a variety of uses and can be grown in most climates, making it an ideal crop to help build a nation. Several colonies grew it and some even forced their members to grow Hemp by law. In the early 1900's, regulations on cannabis begin popping up in the eastern states, and California was actually the first to make cannabis illegal. The final blow came in 1932 when the Uniform Narcotic Drug Act (now part of the Uniform Controlled Substances Act) made cannabis illegal across the country. Several reasons are giving for the criminalization of cannabis, but anti-Mexican thinking was probably the real culprit. At the 1936 Geneva Trafficking Convention, many foreign did not want to include cannabis on the list of prohibited drugs, which led to the United States refusal to sign the treaty.

Starting in the late 1930's, cannabis and, more specifically, hemp got a new enemy in the form of William Randolph Hearst and DuPont. Hearst was heavily invested in the timber industry and DuPont had patented a process for making paper and plastic from wood. Hemp was a cheap alternative to this process, and therefore would damage DuPont and Hearst financially. So they used their Washington connections (Andrew Mellon of the Mellon Bank was DuPont's chief financial backer and was also the Secretary of the Treasury under the Hoover administration) to help keep cannabis illegal. This continued until the 1970's, when states started to loosen the restrictions and allow more medicinal uses, while at the same time increasing the penalties for illegal usage (higher minimum sentencing and three strikes laws). States finally gained full control over the issue when President Obama stated that he would not prosecute people who are following state laws rather than federal with regards to medical marijuana.

Whether you're pro legalization or con, be sure to get out and vote! Click here to register to vote if you're not already! Also check out NORML for more cannabis info!

Dave Attell gives his predictions about the legalization of weed in his latest Comedy Central Special.

-Andy

What art thou doing?

2010-08-04T17:53:00.000-07:00

I like Shakespeare. I like Shakespearean references. I like subtle Shakespearean references within pop culture that make me feel really smart when I catch them. I also enjoy well-done parodies of some of the Bard’s stories and characters (see the College Players’ Compleat Works of Wllm Shkspr [abridged] reunion in 2014), and I feel that even Billy Shakes himself would appreciate the good ones, for even he understood he was not perfect, and knew that the world and the theatre is ever evolving. That being said, and in honor of the defeat of Prop 8, I give you…Sassy Gay Friend. This is one of my favorites, and there are more out there. Enjoy! ~VINCE

Why Tuesdays Suck: VD

2010-08-03T12:28:00.001-07:00

Now if I were to tell you that some of the people in my office were opposed to germs, or to even go as far as to call a select few "germaphobes', I wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea.

I don't mean these are the kind of people who, out of the blue, will go disappear for a decade, shave their head, and come back to host an intricately dumb gameshow.

What I mean is, there is Purell and Lysol wipes EVERYWHERE, little reminders to wash your hands in each bathroom and kitchen, and it is not just a suggestion, but a command that you use the paper toilet-seat covers that I despise. What can I say? I live my life dangerously...

Until I saw THIS:

If equestrians and babies can get VD, no one is safe! Go to your local janitorial supply store and stock up on paper toilet-seat covers now...BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

Love, MegO

Dave's Manic Monday: San Francisco Bikers Edition

2010-08-03T00:04:00.000-07:00

San Francisco is full of many communities. The sheer diversity of people and interests is one of the most beautiful aspects of living in San Francisco. Some of these communities appear to be more visible than others: the queer community has been omnipresent in the city since WWII, SF has the highest concentration of Asian people outside of Asia (and the highest concentration of Asian Americans in North America), and the Bay Area is a haven for fitness enthusiasts and was even recently named the leanest city in the country!

There is one community that has become so outspoken, visible, and brazen, they have become synonymous with life in SF: San Francisco Bicyclists. With our mostly efficient mass transit, moderate, year-round, coastal weather, and the overall rejection of the status quo, the Bay Area has been a haven for bicyclists for decades. In fact, Marin County is credited as the birthplace of the modern mountain bike in the 1970's. However, I would like to assert now, on this very blog, that some of our beloved Bicyclists have gone too far.

How many times have you been crossing the street (in a car or otherwise) and been almost clipped by an overly zealous biker who couldn't be bothered to stop at that stop sign?

How often have you been chided by an arrogant bi-ped for taking up your fair share of the road/sidewalk?

How do you feel when they consistently berate you subconsciously with their superhuman calves protruding through the rolled-up pant leg of their jeans, and custom messenger bags?!?

It's been far too long they've been breaking traffic laws, hogging more than their fair share of the road, and flaunting their physical superiority and Earth-saving abilities.

SF Bikers: Chill out, and please, wear a helmet.

Also, where can I get a fetching fixie? I want biker calves.

Nico's Lazy Sunday (Late Edition)

2010-08-02T19:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Anika,

Well, so it's Monday. I know all of you out there are wondering what happened on Sunday to prevent me from writing this edition. I'm talking to you our sole Blogger follower Anika Steig! Well, the events that led to my tardiness was due to an overwhelming road trip to the City of Angels. Golly Anika it was super saucy! However, let's not discuss the trip to L.A, because frankly i'm gentleman. There are more important issues in the world that concern being late.

We find ourselves now living in such trying times and a major concern of mine is over population. In an economic stand point, it's very difficult to foresee how we as a society will manage supply and demand if birth rates continue to increase. And by no intention do I want to point fingers or anything, but i'll go ahead and point my big fat finger on late periods. It's happening way too often to women all over this planet. Ironically in comparison to the latter, another major-way over-due tardy mishap: the recent stop of flow caused by the BP oil spill. Golly Anika, it took months and months of killing killer whales and fooling school of fish before a solution was developed. Sadly, this is the world we live in.

I understand I was late in this edition, punctuality is often a vital characteristic of mine. In fact, my phone, alarm clock, and laptop is 10 minutes in advance. Being on time can really change the world. What if women always had their period on time? Would hundreds of killer whales still be alive right now? Anika had I wrote this edition yesterday, would you have laughed at it and brought us more followers? My chronically beating heart says yes.

Love,
Nico

Fun with Google Images

2010-07-31T10:00:00.000-07:00

Hello. Kate here. Google amazes me. It truly does. It is a brilliant search engine that answers every question possible. Whenever my roommates and I are hanging out and we ask a question that no one knows the answer to, we automatically go, "GOOGLE!" and whoever is closest to a computer is in charge of looking up the answer. Recent examples: What were that ratings of Jersey Shore's season premiere? How big is a queen size bed? Who won the World Cup in 1942? (HAH! Trick question. There WAS no World Cup in 1942! Oh...Google knew that). And the brilliance is, when searching, you don't even have to ask the question grammatically...you can literally type in "Ratngs Jrsy Shrre seeesonn too" or basically "me want know answer." It's brilliant.

So. If Google knows everything, then if you type in a word into the image search engine, then the first image that pops up must be the end-all, most defining image for that word. Right? Right.

Like, beauty.

disgusting (okay you don't want to see what came FIRST, so here's what came SECOND):

genius:

insane:

awesome:
OH STOP!

funny:

skeezy:

meaning of life:

WHOA!!!! Good one Google!
You win. You always do.

TGIM!: Packing Edition!

2010-07-30T16:48:00.000-07:00

I am moving out of my house that has been my home for the past few years (tear). As I find myself up to my neck in nostalgia, I am forced to make the painful decision of what stuff is worth saving and what is meant to be given/thrown away. In the wee hours of the morn as I pack my life away, the truth comes out...

Meghann's truth: I'll just sit in the middle of my room and stare at old magazines for five hours. Then I'll be forced to make a rushed decision when I realize the storage place closes at 5.

Compulsive hoarder's truth: I should keep this letter from my aunt. I mean she did sign it and everything. Oh and this shirt from the 7th grade. Its meant for a small asian child, but I've kept it this long I can't throw it out now!!! A ticket stub from Transformers...wasn't that like Oscar-nominated for its special effects?

Sad/Actual truth: See Compulsive hoarder's truth

German truth: Get rid of everysing! Stark cold emptiness is a part of your heritage!!!

Harsh truth: No one is going to want your kindergarten-like painting of half a butterfly. Seriously, you are 24, maybe learn how to draw something new. A still life maybe? Anything other than a butterfly and different types of shamrocks. That's pretty much all you've got in your repertoire thus far.

Sappy Ending Truth: I really am gonna miss this place :-/

Saving Grace: Spain? I'll keep you updated...

Stand-Up Thursdays: Remakes

2010-07-29T13:17:00.000-07:00

Every year, more and more great old movies, books, and beloved childhood tv shows get remade into trite shadows of their former glory. Most of us have gotten used to seeing our memories remade to turn a buck, sadly shaking our heads as we wait in line to see the live-action version of Care Bears staring Jim Breuer as Bedtime Bear, Richard Simmons as Birthday Bear, Miley Cyrus as Cheer Bear, Zooey Deschanel as Friend Bear, Jack Black as Funshine Bear, Seth Green as Good Luck Bear, Al Pacino as Grumpy Bear, and Robert Pattinson as Tenderheart Bear (Love-a-Lot and Wish Bear still to be cast).

But it doesn't stop there. Nearly every part of our lives are being remade. Music gets remade on an almost hourly basis, and while some good music works it's way into your lives, most of it is crap that was done right the first time and should have been left alone. US currency has been going through a drastic face lift over the past decade or so and again, some changes were for good, some not so good. Even our planet itself is being remade thanks to the efforts of everybody's favorite oil company (obviously this one is pure not good).

Amongst all these shattered relics of our past, I have seen a shinning light through the darkness. Okay, that might be going overboard, but Slovin & Allen's remake of Abott & Costello's famous Who's On First bit is pretty amazing. (Watch Aboot & Costello's bit first if you haven't heard it yet)

Jokes.com

Slovin & Allen - Abbott & Costello

comedians.comedycentral.com

Roast of David Hasselhoff

Big Lake

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

-Andy

Sit back, relax, and get out your tissues.

2010-07-29T12:11:00.001-07:00

'Eh...it's improv.

2010-07-28T16:57:00.000-07:00

Chinese Ballroom is extremely excited for their upcoming show on August 21st at the Phoenix Theatre. (9pm, $3, 414 Mason St, SF, 4th floor)

To get into top shape, and since CB is working on a slightly different format for this show, we invited some dedicated Chinese Ballers to watch our most recent practice.

Here are the highlights from the practice:

All they wanted was some ass: Horny Ass...tronauts fighting rioting Green Bay Packers fans after football game. They were supposed to go to Uranus, but that wouldn't have been as funny.

One Bus Stop Stand: They met at a bus stop. Instant sparks. One amazing night. The child (Timothy) raised by his father without never knowing his mother...until the day she calls; their lives would never be the same. [The contract with Lifetime for the movie rights is in the works.]

Retirement Party: Who wouldn't want to host a party to celebrate the end (retiring) of the Bachelorette? But would you invite a smoothie addict, a Justin Bieber mega-fan, and a balloon? What happened next was everything short of amazing.

Knights on the Sand: In order to impress the maidens of the medieval times, a Prince and his loyal "Sir Knight" endeavor to win a sandcastle contest. But when the Prince suddenly dies, the knight must summon all his courage and continue on his quest...ya know, to further impress the ladies.

Romance on the Prairie: It started out as a romantic encounter on the prairie between a simple algebra teacher and a mysterious wandering Cowboy. BUT, as always happens, 14 kids later, the Cowboy is "roped in" as a husband. Worse yet, they're all algebra-loving pussies. And then the stranger and his strong, courageous, strapping son arrive to give the forlorn Cowboy an escape. He trades his 14 pussy kids for the strangers son, and throws in his wife for good measure.

...All in all, a fairly solid practice. ...Although, I think Chinese Ballroom has some daddy issues and some sexual tension to work through. See you August 21st!!

||Vince

Why Tuesdays Suck: Business Casual

2010-07-27T01:02:00.000-07:00

I can't imagine I need say more, but then, take a look at this douche bag:

I mean, I can't say I'm the end-all be-all when it comes to fashion...but Nike Airs and a red tie are so 1993 circa Hangin' With Mr. Cooper. At least I had this to come home to. :)
\
This video was made with love by Kate...

Off to pick out my shoes for the day...let's see, will it be the flats, the flats, or the Reeboks...
MegO

New vid!

2010-07-26T23:34:00.001-07:00

Well, since you're here, you don't need to be told to read our blog....but here it is anywayzzzz

Nico's Lazy Sunday (Cosmo Edition)

2010-07-25T14:21:00.000-07:00

Four fashionably blood-sucking zombies walk down 5th Ave. speaking in witty zombie banter. They stroll through alley ways with gold plated addresses and luxurious patisseries, all in slow-motion of course. The trail of drool and blood would easily direct you to their destination. Once you find them, you'll arrive to the main frizzy haired zombie carrying a vintage Emilio Pucci handbag and a Lanvin satin smock, exclaiming to her friends, "Let's get cosmos!".

I really enjoy a great cosmo. It's sweet yet strong and overall most quenchable. There really doesn't beat getting a round of jollies with the girls and kicking up your heels. There are many great places here in the city for the sassy drink. I recently visited Martuni's on Upper Market, a real destination place for their excellent cosmo selection. Me, being from an island and all, choose the passion fruit cosmo, and let me tell you, each sip was an exotic dance party in my mouth--a real palette pleaser. However, I digress from the main point I wanted to make.

I am able to write about my great fondness for the girly libation because I have broken through, no longer caring about gender specific cocktails. I remember so specifically the day I decided not to care. It was at a fancy cocktail lounge where everyone was dressed to the nines. A couple, probably on a date, is ahead of me and deciding what to drink. The bow-tied man orders a cosmo, the lady a double melon martini. She suddenly shrieks, "You're getting a cosmo? Only girls drink cosmos!" He freezes, stumbling for words, unsure of his rebuttal. "Nah, I just like cranberry juice is all."

I tune out of their conversation after his cosmo-crucification. I later think about what she said to him, and the cruelty of it. Here is a man who simply wants a drink most refreshing. Is he wrong? Certainly not! From then forth, I decided who cares? Why not be a full grown man who so happens to drink the most outstandingly girly cocktail around. Cause let's be honest, I've put gayer things in my mouth.

The zombies arrive to The Park, a ritzy Chelsea watering hole, exhausted from shopping and receiving compliments from mortals. Their feet at this point are bloody and bruised, and not because they're zombies, but because it's a real bitch walking in Louboutins. At the bar they meet with their fave gay friend to talk about the days events. The girls order a round of cosmos and ask the fabulous undead homo what he would like? "Oh my god, you're getting cosmos?" he exclaims, "How vile!". The smutty blonde retorts "Well, what's so wrong with cosmos?". "Well, because we're zombies you silly bitch!" He says as he turns around and groans to the bartender, "A round of Bloody Mary's instead!"

Stupid Shit I Have Said

2010-07-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

Hello, Kate here. Sorry about the delay in posting...the thing is, my mom and best friend Bri were in town, and I was suuuuuper busy being spoiled with sangria to be bothered to write anything. But here I am, about to write something about how stupid my mind can be sometimes.

This is a lil' reenactment of an actual thing that I once said.

Bri: I'm bored. What do you want to do?
Me: I don't know...want to play a game?
Bri: Okay. We could play Never Have I Ever!
Me: Meh, we already know everything about each other.
Bri: Yeah. What about I Spy?
Me: Bri. We're not 11 years old.
Bri: Okay, well what do YOU want to play?
[pause while I think.]
Me: Ooh, ooh! I got it! Okay, how about we play this: you say something...it can be anything. Something about what you feel, or something that happened to you in the past. Then something you say will trigger something in me, and I will then think up a story that pertains to something in MY life. And we keep going!
[pause while it sinks in.]
Bri: Kate.....that's a conversation.

Anyway, it IS a fun game. Ya'll should try it.

TGIM!: Childhood Truths Exposed

2010-07-23T18:35:00.000-07:00

These sketch ideas always seems to play into my childlike naivety. But after this revelation, I’m glad I was so naive. It saved me from my most recent realization. What the eff is up with this sticker?

That's right folks, after cleaning out my desk drawer I came across some old VHS sticker labels. There is a specific sticker that parents from the 80s could use to label their...wait for it....sex tapes!!! I guess the normal 'movie' icon wasn't sufficient enough. It's also reassuring to know that if you film a space themed sex video, there's an additional sticker for your labeling needs (seriously, WTF?). Well if this was a sketch, the protagonist would be a soon to be traumatized 10 year old (okay let’s be honest, 16 year old). Oh my lord, the possibilities:

Meghann’s truth: Cool an old Christmas Program video...wait why are mom and dad playing leap frog?

Real Truth: Oh my God, is that our folded laundry on the bed .........BLLLEEEEEECKKKKKK!!!!!!

French truth: It’s totally natural for a man and woman to make love, why should it be any different for my parents? (said in a French accent).

American immature truth: EWWWW GROOOOOSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! SOMEONE GORGE MY EYES OUT WITH A BLUNT KNIFE !!!

Sticker Company truth: It’s time to bring sex tapes to the masses! Rob Lowe can't have all the fun!

Freudian truth: not gonna go there

WASP truth: (cricket, cough, shift in seat).

Sad Truth: Wow, I'm 16 and I have no idea what's going on in this video. Thanks Catholic School Sex Ed.

Oedipal truth: see Freudian truth

Stand-Up Thursdays: Kids

2010-07-22T14:05:00.000-07:00

Kids are awesome, unless they suck. Let's face it, kids are little people, full of their own ideas, opinions, wants, needs, and desires, but they tend to not have as many socially constructed barriers that help keep these driving forces at bay. While this does make them more open and expressive, it also can turn them into little shits if they're tired, hungry, really want that scope of ice cream, or any number of other occurrences they see as grave offenses.

Case in point:
This is Zoe. She is this many (holds up four fingers). Zoe attends the preschool at the JCC and is the official President of my unofficial fan club. She usually stops by to tell me about her day and give me fliers from the rack next to the Box Office. Sometimes she comes to the Box Office with her buddies Hannah and Ariella, sometimes alone, sometimes with mom or grandma, but there is one thing that is a constant: the chocolate ice cream smeared on her face. I never actually see the destruction she must cause to her daily after-school treat, but I assume it is a joyous event with lots of high pitched squeals and brain freezes.

While Zoe seems little a cute, perfect, little angle, I know the dark truth, but it took me some time. One afternoon after Zoe's class had taken a field trip, Zoe's mom was in a rush to pick up Zoe and head home. I saw Zoe whining for her ice cream, not throwing a full on tantrum or even crying too loudly. Her mom seemed totally oblivious to Zoe's whimpers. As they were nearing the door, Zoe's mom had finally had enough and said, "Zoe, if you don't stop this right now, there will be no ice cream the rest of the week!" I was a little suprised and wondered what had promped such a harsh response. I couldn't help but thinking, "I'll never treat my kids that way."

That was until I saw Louis C.K.'s stand-up special, I now know the dark truth.

-Andy

Vince's visit to the Midwest; an Enlightenment

2010-07-21T23:04:00.000-07:00

When you think of the Midwest, you may think about roadside attractions. While the world’s largest rubber stamp, basket, and horseshoe crab are all in Ohio (where I’ve been since last Thursday) I had a chance to see the most relevant and of them all; the world’s longest bar. It’s located in Put-In-Bay, OH, an island on Lake Eerie. It’s snakes around and clocks in at 405 feet, 10 inches. Put-In-Bay looks like a quaint old town from the 50s, but with bars lining the main street, and with swim up bars at the small resorts, it’s kind of like spring break all summer for all ages. Even on a Sunday night, it was crazy; forty-somethings drunkingly dancing to a halfway decent cover band, old people on strolls, and college students running around playing shot tag. And all these groups coexisting beautifully.
When you think of the Midwest, you might also think about small town, rural values, or dare I say, red state values. During my stay in Ohio I spent some time in Oak Harbor, OH (pop. 8,000) where my girlfriend is from (also the home of American Idol runner up, Crystal Bowersox.) As I soaked up the laid-back atmosphere, the sports-crazy, Ohio State fanaticism (seriously, it’s everywhere) and small town charm, I thought to myself, this life out here is kind of nice. Even as I saw Bush/Cheney stickers, and a few anti-Obama slogans, I still had a noble respect for that point of view. But I soon realized that Ohio is still on the Liberal side of things. I consider myself a bit of Shakespeare buff/scholar/fan. And I was sickened by a news report about Sarah Palin comparing herself to the Bard because she “invented new words.” Just because you fuck up a bunch of words trying to sound smarter than everyone knows you are, doesn’t mean you get to compare yourself to Billy Shakes. Ok, lets compare: Shakespeare impacted the world of literature and speech for eternity, and you…are still one of the monkeys sitting in a room with a typewriter that some people may believe could eventually produce Shakespeare but that everyone knows is never going to do anything but play with it’s poop.

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